The Bitter Half...

I have recently been editing papers about women's empowerment and the plight of the downtrodden Dalit women in the Indian hinterland, and thinking that most Indian women, even in the so-called 'upper strata' in metros don't have it so hot either! Maybe in terms of sheer physical labor and material hardships they are much better off than the class of women usually targeted by international fora, surveys and programs. However, in terms of psychological exploitation, the plight of most 'upper class' women is no less.


This might sound somewhat off the mark - aren't 'upper class' women in metros the ones who are a walking display of designer labels and jewels, the main prop of beauty salons, massage parlours and malls, not to mention boutiques, restaurants, the entertainment industry, the travel and hospitality industry and the domestic labour market? Where does one come in, comparing them with downtrodden Dalit women?


The comparison, so to say, comes in when a highly educated professional from a 'good family' is physically abused by her 'better half' because she went for a cup of coffee with colleagues from office and his mom had to have her evening tea made by the domestic help ... it comes in when a tycoon's trophy wife is not 'allowed' the time or space to recover fully from a hysterectomy because he needs his picture perfect hostess within a week of her surgery (those designer labels and jewels are, after all, investment, and his business socializing cannot wait upon the vagaries of something as trivial as her health!) ... it comes in when a perfectly sane, healthy, capable and self-supporting woman lies about visiting her parents or personal friends to avoid irrational showdowns at 'home' ... it comes in when a highly qualified professional, who runs her home, works full-time at a high-profile job, and handles the wherewithal of raising her children single-handedly, is put down and constantly criticized by a spouse still steeped in the age-old myths about male superiority, whose fragile ago is bruised by her lack of dependence on him (which he would have resented, in any case) ... and it comes in, in a million other such instances that take place all around us but are carefully kept under wraps.


And the pity of it is that while the economically backward women are, for the most part, victims of scarcity of material resources, wherein they end up bearing all sorts of extra physical and emotional burdens, the so-called 'privileged women' are entirely victims of their own social conditioning. Quite a few of them have it in their own hands to break free of the yoke of age-old unfair expectations that shackle their lives, but precepts of izzat (honour)drummed into their minds from day one are stronger than their survival instinct in most cases! Honourable women, after all, don't wash their dirty linen in public!


This emotionally and mentally paralyzing notion of izzat has, incidentally, been dealt with in an extremely insightful manner in Raj Kumar Santoshi's pathbreaking movie Lajja, as it explores the turmoil of the quintessential Indian woman's psyche. The mot juste, so to say, is summed up in one piognant statement: "Sabki izzat ladki ke haath mein hoti hai: ladki ki koi izzat nahin hoti" (A woman is responsible for upholding everybody's honor, but she has no honor of her own)!


The fact, however, remains that others/ our families/ society at large are able to do this to us because we let them. Somewhere traditionally brought up Indian women suffer from low self-esteem and spend a large part of their lives apologizing for being women! Since our traditional patriarchal system obliges a woman to leave the security of her parental home and transplant herself into her husband’s family upon marriage, and make a place for herself among a set of unknown people, her parents often (maybe subconsciously) start preparing her for this transition from a very early age, instilling in her the belief that she doesn’t really matter … that her life can only be fulfilled by making everyone in the family happy, by being all things to everybody—whatever be the cost to herself!


And so, the women of izzatdaar (honourable)families grow up believing that they are put on earth solely for the purpose of facilitating their menfolk and their families in every way … that it is a mortal sin to even think for themselves, or of themselves.


What women - especially those who, despite being born and married into well-off families, are living out their lives being put down by others and saying thanks for it - need to realize is that they are fortunate in not having to struggle to make ends meet. And also that at some level their conformity to the anachronistic expectations of traditional patriarchal societal norms - either due to sheer apathy, or due to fear of jeopardizing their position in the family and in society - is setting the tone for their own daughters' conditioning and psychological patterns that could haunt them all the lives.


So, if they ever want to hold their heads high, and wish the same for their daughters, they need to break out of this bind and realize that family ties are not a one-way street: if women need their families, the families need them too. And if they cannot get some basic respect and rights as equal human beings and as members of the family, then maybe it's time for them to rethink their priorities in life!


This does not, in any sense, mean that women break free of their families, but only that they make a serious effort to exorcise their bone-deep 'martyr' conditioning. That instead of being solely focused on being 'all things to all people' in the family, to channelize some part of their mind and will into their own independent pursuits and things that give THEM pleasure or satisfaction (with or without monetary gain), without feeling guilty about it.


Women (and not just Asian ones) need to understand that it is their right to receive love and caring and nurturing, the same way that they give it to their families and to everyone around them. And for this women need to break out of the abalaa (helpless, clinging vine) mode and find the Shakti (the Mother Goddess) within them - to factor in the concepts of 'I want', 'I need', 'I like' and 'I will' into their psyches and behaviour patterns!


Think about it ...

Sweet Nostalgia!

Today someone’s driver delivered a tiffin box to my place. My neighbour, who was away from home at the time, called up and requested me to receive it and keep it in my refrigerator for him. Coming back home, he first came to pick up his precious box before going to his own place. Turned out that his mother had sent his favourite kheer, prepared early in the morning, just the way he used to like it as a kid.

He was embarrassingly grateful to me for keeping his treasure safe from ants, flies, fungus and other natural and man-made calamities and catastrophes. As a reward for my conscientious custody, I was to be allowed a taste of the nectar within the box. With the air of a conjurer he opened the tiffin box (hampered somewhat by the fact that the lid had stuck, probably since it had been shut tight while the kheer was still boiling hot) and wafted it under my nose.

A strong aroma of cardamom hit me, and looking down I saw a white, watery mess with grains of rice floating desultorily, along with slivers of almond and darker patches that looked like depressed raisins. Face shining with anticipation, he asked me to fetch a bowl for my share – “but a small one, mind you: I can’t share too much of it ..”. Realizing that he would probably deem it an insult to his mother’s culinary skills if I asked him to keep the whole of it for himself, I fetched the smallest katori in the house, into which he tipped a (thankfully) miniscule portion of the fabled kheer.

But if I thought I was off the hook, I had another think coming. “Taste it,” he urged excitedly. “I guarantee, it’s the best think you’ll ever have tasted in you whole life!” he gushed. Feeling entirely unequal to mustering the required expression of bliss after tasting the mess in my katori, I wriggled off the hook by assuring him that I would eat it after dinner with my husband, as I didn’t want to deprive him of the treat.

“What time do you have dinner?” he asked. “I’ll call to ask how you liked it.” I assured him that I’d give him the feedback myself and thankfully watched him leave. Over dinner I put the kheer on the table, next to hubby’s plate. “Bhai saheb-next-door’s mother sent this for him. He was out and I received it. He left some for you in gratitude.”

Accustomed to rich, thick rice puddings studded with dry fruits and nuts, garnished with saffron and cardamom in the name of kheer, the poor man gaped at me in horror. “You are the one who received it,” he said, recovering his wits. “So, the gratitude has to be for you, as is … this … go ahead – eat it,” he prodded mischievously, enjoying my predicament. He knows I will never waste food, and if he didn’t eat the kheer, I would, even if it choked me!

We finally compromised on half-and-half – one teaspoonful each: It’s bad manners to criticize someone behind their back, so I can only say that the kheer fully lived up to its ‘promise’. Just then, the telephone rang. It was bhai saheb-next-door asking for feedback (read ‘fulsome praise’). Feeling that hubby (by virtue of having to deal with lots of people of all kinds in his high-profile job) would be better at lying through the teeth, I passed the phone to him, and watched him gush about the taste of the kheer (I’ll really have to watch it when he praises anything of mine in future!). But then I saw an expression of horror spread on his face and he disconnected the call in a daze.

“What?” I asked anxiously.

“He says I’m the first person who liked his mother’s kheer as much as he does. No one in his own family appreciates it – in fact, they are quite insulting about it. He was thrilled with my reaction. He says he’s going to ask his mother to send over TWO tiffin boxes of it next time – one for him and one for me. AND he’s going to sit with me and eat it, so that we can enjoy it even more in each other’s company!!!”

RECIPE FOR RICE KHEER

Ingredients:
• Milk: 1 kg
• Rice: 100 gms or I heaped handful
• Sugar: 150 gms or a little more (according to taste)
• Cardamom (green): 4-5 pods
• Saffron (optional): a few strands (soaked in warm milk for 15 min)
• Dry fruits and nuts (optional and according to preference): a few almonds (blanched or whole, cut into slivers), unsalted pistachios (cut into slivers), walnut kernels (crushed), and raisins

Procedure:
• Boil the milk in a heavy-bottomed utensil. You can add a tablespoonful of cream for extra richness.
• Wash the rice thoroughly, drain it, and add to the boiling milk, stirring continuously so that the rice does not stick to the bottom. Stir for a minute or two and leave it to cook on a low flame, covered with a colander and stir occasionally.
• Cook for at least an hour, till you get the required consistency. Add the sugar and keep stirring continuously till it boils over again.
• (Warning: Do not stop stirring at this stage, or the sugar will stick to the bottom and burn!!)
• Remove from the flame. Add crushed cardamom seeds, soaked saffron and dry fruits and nuts as per preference.

Additional Tips:
• Use full cream milk for best results, but if counting calories, you can use skimmed milk and thicken it with a little cornflour dissolved in water after adding the sugar. If using a sugar substitute, be careful to add it after taking the kheer off the flame
• For a quick preparation, add a tin of condensed milk after 15 minutes of cooking and adjust the quantity of sugar accordingly
• Grated nutmeg (jaiphal), khajoor gud and chironji are other options for garnishing (while still piping hot, otherwise the flavours won’t blend properly)
• Can add crushed makhanas (puffed lotus seeds) and/or grated coconut about 10 minutes before adding sugar
• Can add a teaspoon of ghee to the rice before adding it to the milk for additional richness

Of Joint Families and Power Games

I think it would be grossly unfair to impute all the power games to the older generation alone. Maybe in traditional Indian joint families, where females were brought up in a suppressed manner and were then required to go and live with the husband's family, the balance of power was almost always against them. Not necessarily so any longer. Nowadays one comes across increasing incidence of harassment of parents/ in-laws as well.

The most problematic aspect of the entire scenario is ascertaining what constitutes 'harassment', be it by the older generation or the younger. Often what is perceived as 'justifiable expectations' by one party, as part of living in a joint family set-up, is felt to be 'harassment' by the other, who feels imposed upon.

The whole issue basically turns upon 'atittude' and 'communication'. If (which is very, very rarely the case) both parties have an attitude of acceptance towards the joint family set-up, they tend to communicate and sort out their differences. This is to be seen in rare cases where the benefits accruing to both parties are palpable as well as clearly perceived by both (for example, where the earnings of the younger generation augment the financial position and stnadards of living of the whole family, while the older generation enables the younger generation by taking on the housekkeping and child-rearing functions). The day-to-day adjustments of joint family living thus become a minor trade-off for these larger perceived benefits.

However, where even one party perceives itself as self-sufficient (the older generation is financially secure, or the younger generation does not require child-rearing and housekeeping support), joint family adjustments become an irksome yoke around the neck. In such cases the institution of joint family is often seen to regress to a 'free-for-all' in which the relatively non-aggressive party rapidly becomes the victim and is, more often than not, mercilessly bullied till it either strikes back or breaks free.

There is, however, one point on which I would seriously like an opinion: I have known cases where parents have refused to come and live with their children in other cities, for fear that they would then be tied down into their children's household chores and childcare. Such people are generally alluded to as 'sensible, clear-thinking' parents. Why then, if the reverse happens (children declining to live with their parents in their hometowns and seeking better livelihoods in other cities/countries), is there an inevitable stigma, a smidgen of guilt, attached to them?

Festival Power Games

Would like to discuss some of the less joyful aspects of festivals, especially in India.

Giving and receiving gifts may be a traditional part of festivals the world over, but it assumes a special significance in the context of the Indian joint family - a power tool, as it were. Some years back, when I had accompanied my husband on a job posting in the US, we were given 'cultural orientation' as part of our induction process. Among the many things that struck me was the concept of opening gifts right in front of the giver and praising them. In India this would not only be considered bad manners, but would also be a socially risky thing to do, especially if you are in a joint family. (Perhaps the reason it works in the US is that there ARE no joint families there and Americans have evolved very highly in the sense of minding their own business at the personal level over a number of decades)

In India, we have tremendous family support, but it comes at the almost prohibitive price of avid interference, intrusion and imposition, not to forget the never-ending power games. Against this backdrop, festivals are a godsent opportunity for hierarchical muscle-flexing and one-upmanship.

Gifts are one avenue for these family power games; traditions are another. Nowadays, a guy's parents openly asking for specific gifts run the risk of ending up with a heavy fine, or even in the Dowry Cell. However, there are always subtle ways of making their power (vested in them by virtue of the fact that the daughter-in-law has left her own parents' home on the occasion of her marriage to their son, and is now living in their home)felt. One would be to heap scorn on the gifts given by the daughter-in-law's parents; another to compare gifts given by parents of two daughters-in law; yet another, to make sure that they themselves give much more expensive presents to their own daughter/s. And mind you, most of these power games have little or nothing to do with the monetary value of the gifts given or received, and everything to do with a desperation to be top dog in the joint family set-up.

It's the same story with festival traditions. I have actually known a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law duo engage in a major battle (via the hapless husband/son) on the subject of whether the daughter-in-law should be permitted to eat coconut before sunrise on her 'karva chauth' fast, or whether she is perforce supposed to eat exactly what her mother-in-law has been eating before 'her' karva chauth fast for the past thirty years! And of course, the inevitable clash of timings between the daughter/s and daughter/s-in-law of the house is always good for a few skirmishes and sulks! To the extent that even the order in which people call to give you festival greetings becomes a major source of prestige issues:

'Oh! Your brother and bhabhi haven't called to wish as yet???'
'Of course not! Phones are so old fashioned, you know! They sent me a text message on my mobile phone at exactly midnight, so that they could be sure to be the first to wish us!!'

Makes one wonder, what on earth are we doing? Granted, that power games have always been a tradiitonal part of joint families, but it cannot be denied that times are changing; the pace of life itself is changing. Today people have very little patience with, and very little acceptance towards intrusiveness, interference and hierarchical power ploys. However, festival-time acrimony notwithstanding, extended families still have a lot going for them, if only they could manage to evolve away from the age-old power tactics, and towards tolerance and non-interference!

A More Peaceful Diwali

This'll have to be a short one. Just yesterday I put a post on Facebook to the effect that this year there are much less fireworks in Delhi as compared to previous years. Maybe - just maybe - Delhiites are waking up to the menace of global warming at long last, or maybe the relentless campaign against fireworks and other pollutants by schools as well as the media is finally beginning to show results.

However, today brought another train of thought. It's not just the fireworks that are subdued this year, but the entire festival hysteria. And so, I end up wondering: is it a rise in social consciousness, or simply a fall in the level of 'disposable' funds in the wake of economic recession? Is it that Delhiites have decided to become more socially responsible, or is it simply that they don't have as much 'money to burn' (literally) as in previous years?

Whatever be the cause, the effect is definitely a welcome one. And perhaps one should be grateful for small mercies, because it cannot be denied that thanks to the media and schools, the future generation is at least getting the concept of social responsibility in the context of global warning. I suppose it would be stretching optimism to look for concrete results in the short term, but then, evolution is a slow process!

A Fresh Start

It's Diwali season - the start of the Indian New Year. So, a fresh start at this time makes sense. For the past decade my passion for writing has had to take a back seat to domesticity and overwhelming family circumstances. Well, the circumstances haven't really changed all that much; it's just that maybe I've ceased to be overwhelmed by them (touch wood)! And so, I'm starting the new year by rediscovering my joy in the written word.

I know there are millions of people like me, who have had to subordinate their passion in life to the claims of family, economics, or whatever. Perhaps those who are fortunate enough, or maybe single-minded /aggressive enough to have pursued their dreams successfully, are unable to understand this. I have often faced (and I'm sure all those kindred spirits out there have too) allegations of 'laziness', of not having the 'drive' or the 'killer instinct', of making excuses for not getting on in life, etc., etc., etc. Ironically enough, it is usually the very persons to whose 'well-being' you have subordinated your own dreams, who 'turn and rend you'.

I have no complaints against these detractors, even though, when they include people close to you, they can really hurt. They have a right to their opinion, and from their point of view, they are perfectly justified in making these allegations. After all, it's concrete results that are visible for all to see, not the efforts that went into those results. It's the skyscrapers that catch everyone's eye, and not the foundation stones.

I have only this to say to all my kindred spirits: if I am strong enough to be the foundation of a skyscraper, let me not doubt my ability to be a skyscraper in my own right. This goes for all of you non-aggressive people out there who are taking a backseat to the ambitions of your spouses/ children and the needs of family, and are getting abuse for it. Get up with me and chase your dream. Don't be afraid of failures - they are part of life, and to use a cliche, they really ARE the stepping stones to success, provided you don't lose heart. So, let all of us, laid back, non-aggressive folk rediscover our inner strength and channelize it to carve out our own niche, however small.