Festival Power Games

Would like to discuss some of the less joyful aspects of festivals, especially in India.

Giving and receiving gifts may be a traditional part of festivals the world over, but it assumes a special significance in the context of the Indian joint family - a power tool, as it were. Some years back, when I had accompanied my husband on a job posting in the US, we were given 'cultural orientation' as part of our induction process. Among the many things that struck me was the concept of opening gifts right in front of the giver and praising them. In India this would not only be considered bad manners, but would also be a socially risky thing to do, especially if you are in a joint family. (Perhaps the reason it works in the US is that there ARE no joint families there and Americans have evolved very highly in the sense of minding their own business at the personal level over a number of decades)

In India, we have tremendous family support, but it comes at the almost prohibitive price of avid interference, intrusion and imposition, not to forget the never-ending power games. Against this backdrop, festivals are a godsent opportunity for hierarchical muscle-flexing and one-upmanship.

Gifts are one avenue for these family power games; traditions are another. Nowadays, a guy's parents openly asking for specific gifts run the risk of ending up with a heavy fine, or even in the Dowry Cell. However, there are always subtle ways of making their power (vested in them by virtue of the fact that the daughter-in-law has left her own parents' home on the occasion of her marriage to their son, and is now living in their home)felt. One would be to heap scorn on the gifts given by the daughter-in-law's parents; another to compare gifts given by parents of two daughters-in law; yet another, to make sure that they themselves give much more expensive presents to their own daughter/s. And mind you, most of these power games have little or nothing to do with the monetary value of the gifts given or received, and everything to do with a desperation to be top dog in the joint family set-up.

It's the same story with festival traditions. I have actually known a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law duo engage in a major battle (via the hapless husband/son) on the subject of whether the daughter-in-law should be permitted to eat coconut before sunrise on her 'karva chauth' fast, or whether she is perforce supposed to eat exactly what her mother-in-law has been eating before 'her' karva chauth fast for the past thirty years! And of course, the inevitable clash of timings between the daughter/s and daughter/s-in-law of the house is always good for a few skirmishes and sulks! To the extent that even the order in which people call to give you festival greetings becomes a major source of prestige issues:

'Oh! Your brother and bhabhi haven't called to wish as yet???'
'Of course not! Phones are so old fashioned, you know! They sent me a text message on my mobile phone at exactly midnight, so that they could be sure to be the first to wish us!!'

Makes one wonder, what on earth are we doing? Granted, that power games have always been a tradiitonal part of joint families, but it cannot be denied that times are changing; the pace of life itself is changing. Today people have very little patience with, and very little acceptance towards intrusiveness, interference and hierarchical power ploys. However, festival-time acrimony notwithstanding, extended families still have a lot going for them, if only they could manage to evolve away from the age-old power tactics, and towards tolerance and non-interference!